In self-examination I often wonder what it all means. Sometimes I find myself at wits end just trying to figure out why I do or think the things I do, feel the things I feel or think I feel...when there may be no rhyme or reason at the time.
Sometimes chosen paths collide at points were we begin to learn, maybe it's because it's something we needed to learn and figuring out the reason we did it or how we handled it, may in fact be the real challenge. Happiness is a test we put ourselves through, for some point unknown to us, attitude we make ourselves. I now know that I can't find what I need in others before I was able to find it in myself, no one can give me, me...they can shape me and compel or even perhaps complete me but I can't make this happen, as we all are the same confused children.
The wants and needs of many outweigh the needs of the few, a poem I wrote long ago when I thought I knew what it meant. This too has changed its shape to me because I now see the self importance of people and how it changes their perspective towards others. We are all the same and there are no borders between us, all emotionally challenged, crippled if you will we struggle to see the next days sun and try to find the answers with questions.
The other day I struck out in a new path, not really new but while going down the path I found some new answers to some old questions. Is it because I’m getting older that the answers change or is it perspective from age…or is it anything at all but my mind slowly slipping. I felt foolish I felt stupid I felt I had led myself astray from the beliefs I cling too but because I am a woman because I am an animal I am my worst judge and sometimes I should learn to separate consciousness from my reality.
Reassurance of our being of our value of us is in that meaning somewhere, and sometimes I believe we lose that in ourselves if it’s not reinforced by someone, somehow or another but I surely don’t think it’s something we can do alone. Life is truly a battle that we wage each and every min of every day unbenounced to us for no reason at all, a worry. Stress worry and belief, things we carry around our necks like so much of a burden that we may not deserve but cannot cast off. The delicate balance of knowledge and compassion we find for others but never for ourselves we reach out for others to share our pain and to understand us, in fact we scream for it.
Trapped inside ourselves unable to express our needs...is this because we don’t even know what our needs may be? What makes it alright or makes us want to know is a deep question we each must ask ourselves. Why others can see the same things we see but be unable to share with us the common experience is a mystery and I believe it may be due to self-importance. It’s a thing that separates us and causes most of our grief and pain, it’s the reason for war and hate its what divides us and stops us from growing or learning what we must share. Children do not have this and can interact in a manner that surpasses our intellect in many ways. They don’t have the ability to judge or self examine and to their glory it enables truth and goodness something we lose along the way.
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